Some travel rants

Yesterday, we flew to Los Angeles out of Philadelphia, with a connection in Chicago. All things considered, it could have been much worse than it was. Actually, things went pretty well - we arrived in LAX 10 minutes late. Thankfully, we didn't fly out a few days before, or a few days later, because we would have run into some weather delays.

I'm thankful that we arrived safely and pretty much on time, but boy, can air travel be a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g, and it didn't take long to get just that. When you add it all up, traveling is hell.

• If I haven't written it before, and I'm quite sure I have, the breathtakingly annoying TSA employees are the lowlight of any trip. I'm not without sympathy for the job they have to do - I'm really not. Keeping passengers safe and tolerating people who can't follow directions is a tall order under the best of circumstances, let alone when hundreds of thousands of extra people are taking to the air during the holiday season.

Having said all that, competency and pleasantness shouldn't take vacations or holidays. Sadly, that's the reality with many of the obnoxious morons who wear the TSA uniform.

What I really love is when one TSA employee will tell you one thing, and 10 feet further, another one will tell you the exact opposite thing. Case in point: Vandra asked an employee if she could drink her Snapple while standing in line.

"No problem."

We get in line, and a TSA lady is all over us.

"you can't take that in line - they will make you get out of line."

On and on this went for a few minutes, until Vandra had just had enough of it and chugged it before we got in line.

However, our fun was just beginning.

The line was taking forever, and we soon discovered why. First, there was a problem with a woman having something illegal in her bag. And by that I don't mean something dangerous (at least I don't think so). Instead of pulling the woman with the bag aside and performing the appropriate search, the line was at a standstill for well over five minutes.

As we got closer to the front of the line, several people ahead of us, from Mexico (we were ease dropping) had no proper identification. Again, instead of pulling the two people in question out of line, four TSA employees (yes, FOUR) were handling the situation, while the rest of us waited. And Waited. And WAITED.

Finally, an elderly man who was standing behind us impatiently bellowed, "I have to board in 10 minutes!" It took two of the TSA employees about a nanosecond to jump all over him: "SIR! Please be patient!" Unreal.

After Vandra and I placed our many belongings in the gray bins while following their directions to the letter, we walked through the metal detectors. Low and behold, I forgot to feed one of my bags through. As we were putting our shoes back on and loading our belongings back up, here's what one of the TSA agents barked...

"Sir! Is this your bag?!?"

"Yes."

As the snotty agent walked the bag up through the scanner, she snidely remarked, "These bags don't walk themselves through the scanner!"

I felt like shouting back, "Sarcasm isn't going to get it through, either." Seriously, was that really necessary? I've made up my mind that I've taken the last smart-assed remark from a TSA employee. The last thing I want or need is a confrontation, but the next time I'm treated this way, if I don't say anything I won't respect myself in the morning. God only knows, the TSA doesn't seem to respect anyone.

I respect the job the TSA has to do - I know it's enormously important, but I don't respect the agency. The reason I don't is because many of its employees don't respect passengers. Period.

And I don't buy the argument that the TSA is doing a fantastic job, either. I'd have a whole lot more respect for these people if they were even average at doing the job they are there for - protecting passengers. Granted, thankfully there have been no more 9-11s, but tests have shown it isn't because the TSA is thwarting them. (You can bet that when the TSA does thwart a possible attack, the Bush administration won't waste any time flogging that story to the mainstream media while pimping the "WE are the party that keeps you safe" line.)

Don't think for a second that like a POS by a TSA employee, it doesn't cross my mind that undercover agents routinely sneak bomb parts past screeners with stunning regularity; the last test that I read revealed that around 60 percent of bomb parts went undetected during tests. But, cripes, thank GOD I can't take my gel deodorant on board.

• At O'Hare Airport, I ordered two sausage McGriddle sandwiches for breakfast. I take them and walk all the way back to our gate, open one up - no sausage. Just buns and cheese. Yummy! I take them back and explain, and I get the most insincere "Sorry" I've probably ever received. I'd have had more respect if the employee would have deadpanned, "We don't really give a shit." Meh - it's the airport - should I expect more?

• However, the real annoyance came on our flight from O'Hare to LAX. We had the good fortune of being seated ahead of a misfit mom and her two model children, who insisted on kicking our seats for the first three hours. Just when it really started to become annoying, Vandra spun around and glared at the girl.

After this happened three or four times in a half hour, the mother said, "If you're going to turn around and glare at my daughter, why don't you SAY something."

Vandra then explained that we were sick and tired of having our seats kicked, and she said snidely, "I'll take care of it!"

This moron was then brazen enough to complain to us, "I've been up since 4 a.m.!" As if that's our fault. Vandra shot back, "So have we," and I added, "And your seat hasn't been kicked for the last three hours."

What I felt like saying was, "Next time, tell him to pull out."

In a perfect world, people like her would have to pass a test to have a kid. I'm sure I'm not alone, but it always seems like we have to sit near screaming kids. I've never traveled first class, but we walked by them to get to our seats. Funny - I didn't notice any screaming kids there. Ahh, some day.

At least my bags didn't get lost.