Paris responds, & it's actually funny

I'm not an admirer of Paris Hilton by anyone's measure, but I had to post this, because it is pretty funny, I have to admit. Take that, McCain - that's what he gets for featuring her in one of his ads. I wonder if Senator McDrilly's handlers are actually smart enough to realize that they've just been pwned by one of the most annoying celebutantes in modern American history? Somehow, I doubt it.

This is probably the one and only time I'll ever write this, but Way to go, Paris. I was actually a fan for 1:49.

The ad wars are heating up already...

...and you be the judge about who sounds more professional, or as Logan Murphy so succinctly put it, "presidential."

The video above is supposed to be a parody, but it's a stark example of why Republicans generally are about as funny as 9-11. Back to the drawing board, people. By the way, how hilarious are the dopes who are interviewed in this thing? One can picture a nerdy, Karl Rove-like figure, offering them a hundred Euros off camera to read the cue cards. "I have a friend who's a Marxist who works for Obama!" Yea, that's so 1950. Calling Democrats pinko commies went out with the Eisenhower administration.

This one is hardly better. I guess it's a sure sign of how desperate the McCain campaign has become - they are using Britney Spears (a nut job who couldn't even keep custody of her own kids) and Paris Hilton in their campaign ads. Then again, Hilton is the perfect Republican - someone who has done nothing for the money that she's earned, and who wants to do all she can to hold onto it.

Har, har, har - my knee hurts I've slapped it so much watching these.

On the flip-side, here's Obama's latest ad...

The text in this ad says it all...

Announcer: He’s practicing the politics of the past.
John McCain. His attacks on Barack Obama:
“not true”
“false”
“baloney”
“the low road”
“baseless.”
John McCain. Same old politics. Same failed policies.
Barack Obama supports a $1,000 middle class tax cut.
An energy plan that takes on oil companies, develops alternative fuels, and breaks the grip of foreign oil.
That’s change we can believe in.
Obama: I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message.

Presidential, indeed.

Fun with idiots: mess up MTV's plans for another Paris Hilton show

As much as I hate reality TV, I have to pimp this one, only to throw off the premise. Paris Hilton, truly a vapid nothing who contributes nothing to society if there ever was one, has a new reality show coming out on MTV, and people can vote on who her new best friend will be on the show on the Official Website.

In short, I implore you to vote for Benjy Bronk, the head writer for The Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. Nothing would thrill me more (okay, that's not true, but it would be pretty damn cool) than to see Bronk win, completely screwing up MTV's plans. Yes, it doesn't take much to entertain me, I know. But, if you're a regular CMB reader, you probably already knew that.

I know it's just an issue of language, but really, MTV ought to change the name of the network - how about STV? I'm sure you can come up with some appropriate nicknames based on those letters.

Anyway, bookmark the Website, I Wanna Be Paris Hilton's New Best Friend, and vote for Bronk; you can vote once every 24 hours. With a little luck, MTV will have to come up with an explanation as to why the first place winner won't be on the show.

Keep up the voting! Bronk is currently in first place by about 700 votes, so every vote counts. Psst! Tell your friends.

Mall of America Vs. Baghdad

Sadly, this is the all-too-real reality in Baghdad these days. Too bad President Bush's urge to surge has been nothing short of a tragedy for our soldiers as well as the people in Baghdad and Iraq. Honestly, do we really need to wait for General Petraeus to give his report in September or October to find out how poorly the war or surge is going? As long as one watches any channel but Fox News, the reality is there for everyone to see.

Of course, the way cable news is these days (or any news broadcast, for that matter), I don't rely on any television station to get any sort of accurate, relevant information about what's going on around the nation and world. Unless, of course, you want to know how Lindsay Lohan's rehab is going, or the debate that raged about whether Paris Hilton was getting human treatment in jail.

Getting back to Iraq - I've said it once and I'll say it undoubtedly dozens of times more - is it really realistic to ask General Petraeus how the surge is going in Iraq? No general worth the stars on his shoulders will ever say that his soldiers aren't getting the job done and that we ought to go home.

But, you have to give President Bush credit - he plays the role of neo-conservative to a T, especially when it comes to the war. I laugh to myself every time I see him on TV saying, "I don't think politicians should be telling generals how to wage the war in Iraq." And when he says this, he's also implying that the generals should determine when we've lost and when we've achieved "victory" in Iraq.

As usual, Bush needs another history lesson (just like Rudy Giuliani, but that's another post for tomorrow). The last time I checked, our military leaders answer to Washington, not the other way around. But, Bush is playing the idiotic, debilitating oversimplification that Reagan practically made a national motto: "Government isn't the solution, it's the problem." Does anyone else notice the irony that the people who most despise and mistrust government - Republicans - are running part of it?

Sure, that makes sense.

Fox mic stolen during live spot

This is great - during another stupid live spot about the iPhone on Fox News, someone ran by and took the reporter's microphone. Okay, childish and stupid, but maybe this guy, like the rest of us, just couldn't take any more superficial, stupid news coverage of a cell phone.

The only question I have is this - where was this guy during all the moronic Paris Hilton coverage?

So, there is a God

Right after I got done ranting about Paris Hilton today, I opened up my homepage, and there was a story about Hilton being returned to jail, but this time for her entire 45-day sentence (presumably minus her three days already served). Sweet. Above, the media jackals wait for Hilton outside the L.A. County Courthouse.

This made my entire weekend - here's a picture of Hilton bawling like a baby on her way back to jail. AP is reporting that after the judge told her she'd be going back to jail, the whiny debutante yelled out, "It's not right!" followed by "Mom!!"

Seeing a celebrity having the book thrown at her is refreshing. I'm experiencing the biggest case of schadenfreude in my entire life. Hope you like your new home, Paris. It sure won't be a Hilton.

Photos by AP

Paris is out of jail - Phew!

It's little wonder I watch virtually no news anymore. Our mainstream media, with a few exceptions, has become so bankrupt of real reporting and news, it's beyond unwatchable. Actually, it past the signpost of unwatchable years ago. The press has been all over Paris Hilton's "jail sentence" like the free world is hanging in the balance or something.

I realize that celebs are celebs - they keep America entertained (along with anyone else in the world who can stomach it), and we've always had stars. But this is ridiculous. Hilton wouldn't even be famous at all if it weren't for her last name and her money. She has zero acting talent, and with a punim like that, she could make a freight train take a dirt road.

I've added Hilton Hotels to my boycott list; no way on God's green Earth would I give one red cent to a company that's going to allow her to sit on her skanky rump for the rest of her life and contribute nothing to society except boring, annoying Access Hollywood and The Insider stories that the media swarms all over.

I wish I could say the picture at the top is real, but it's a wax figure of Hilton dressed in a black and white striped jailbird suit displayed on the red carpet at Madame Tussauds in New York City. The wax figure was going to be displayed until the end of Hilton's jail sentence. It was a short stay.

It's just unreal that her jail sentence was cut in half, and then she was released after three days. I read one story (yes, I did read one or two, just because there's no escaping it!) that speculated she may have been suicidal. All the more reason to leave her in. Just like the Nazis used to do - give her a pistol and leave the room. Okay, that's pushing it, but would society really miss her? She'd just be another celebrity who wasted her life away and cut it short, but the difference between Hilton and the likes of Marilyn Monroe, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Sam Kinison, James Dean and countless other stars is that they all have talent.

I do get sick and tired of seeing celebrities, athletes and politicians getting special treatment. It's as if we have two justice systems in this country. It's not just annoying - it's one of the low points of our country and legal system.

Would any common person been let out of jail after three days? The judge in the case got a wild hair up his ass and demanded to see her back in court today to determine if the sheriff was in contempt of court for letting her out early. The demand to appear before the court was later reversed - she's allowed to call in.

I can just imagine how that conference call will go...

*BEEP*

"Oh, hold on, Your Honor, I have another call.

"Hello, Nicole? [Ritchie] Yea, I'm on the other line with the court - thank GOD they told me I didn't have to go today, I just couldn't have survived it. You wanna go out whoring tonight? Cool - I'll call you as soon as I sweet talk the judge into letting me off. Maybe I'll send him an autographed DVD of my sex tape. Who could resist that? Call ya later."

*CLICK*

"Sorry, Your Honor. I've already been in jail for like, 72 hours. How much longer do you want me to be locked away from all of my fans? This could ruin my career."

*BANG* goes the gavel...

"Case dismissed."

AP Photo/Mary Altaffer

Another great Paris quote

Personally, I wouldn't pay $2 to see a photo of her, but I guess there are many mags and publications that would.

Paris Hilton gets 45 days

God, I hate celebrity b.s. that gets so much play in the media, but sometimes there are stories that I just can't ignore. Paris Hilton's jail sentence is one of them. (Above, Hilton leaves the courthouse with her father, Rick.)

On Friday, the woman-who's-famous-because-of-her-last-name was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation. Boo Hoo. Am I a bad person for hoping it's a 45 days she'll never forget?

What's more, am I a bad person for laughing at the picture below?

Okay, it's just a joke, and not really classy to repost, but sue me. I'm so tired of her. I know, I know, I should jsut ignore it all, but the mainstream media doesn't make it very easy to ignore these idiotic stories.

Happy jail time, Paris.

A guy can dream, can't he?

Okay, I really don't wish death on Paris Hilton, but I do wish that she'd go away.

I read on some gossip Website this week that she has Herpes. I don't know if it's true, but the fact that it's believable says a lot, doesn't it?

Skank in, skank out

Phew! We can all rest easy now - Lindsay Lohan (above) is out of rehab. Thank GOD that issue has been resolved.

However, it seems like the Bush Administration continues to do a poor job of policing our skank divas - Lohan no sooner reenters society to satiate the sleaze hungry paparazzi, then we lose another skank to rehab...

It seems that Britney Spears has shaved her head and added some ink. Suweet! I know it seems petty, mean-spirited and childish, but I've been rooting for one of the three of Paris Hilton, Britney and Lohan to fall flat on her face. Well, two out of three ain't bad. And we all know that Hilton will hang herself sooner or later (not literally, but stranger things have happened).

Anyway, I'm constantly decrying the coverage these three tools get, and I'm wasting my time talking about them. The Britney pic is priceless though.